Thinking aloud...well in writing!!

The Blah Chameleon

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 15:55:23 +0200

I’m sooo……….right now. Know what I mean? Its just sooo indesribale. Theres so many new things happeing in my life right now. All of these things I’ve wanted for soo long…..but I don’t know…nothings how I imagined it.
Im living in halls of residence now with a bunch of people that make me feel like Cady from mean girls…it really sux….sometimes I feel so alone and bored.
And to make matters worse I feel sick, and this isn’t a regular kind of sick…it’s the I cant eat, becausei have butterflies…my stomach feels like its doing somersaults kind of sick….also known as lovesick!
You would think that would be a good thing, but I don’t have the bets track record….i fall for fools and date complete twats!!!! Urgh…is this one going to be the same? Is he gay? Does he have a girlfriend….all of this shit is running around my head and I feel like im going to IMPLODE!!!!

I feel like im still trying to find myself and that’s the reason for the word chameleon in the title. Sometimes I feel like I act a certain way to fit in with a group because I know that they’ll never like the real me. And then I gets to thinking….well who is the real me….maybe the real me is the chameleon and then I get confused.

Urgh…..well this blog was basically, extremely BLAH!!! So yeah….im guna go contemplate a few things now and yeh…..thats about it!!

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Will I ever be a butterfly?

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 13:31:13 +0200

As a child I used to look at the world through rose coloured glasses, as I’m sure many others did. That child like innocence is so beautiful. I remember imagining that life would really be like the fairy tales that I used to see in the Disney films, but its not. Prince Charming doesn’t exist, and happily ever after is a lie. Maybe I’m just being cynical cause I’m having a bad week, but right now I’d give anything to go back to that child innocence because I feel so confused with life at the minute, and I just don’t want to care anymore. I don’t want to have to think about my future, my job, money, or any of the things that I call ‘life stressors’. I want to go somewhere where none of it matters and I can just relax any enjoy life. I’m really not happy with where I am at the minute and I have no idea what change to make it all better.
I’ve tried asking myself, what do I need to change? What do I want out of life? Where do I see myself in a certain amount of time? And I honestly just don’t know, and I’m starting wonder will I ever know. Or am I destined to live a life of solitude and unhappiness always wondering what’s missing but never knowing.

The butterfly, for me, is a representation of having gone through a struggle or a journey to find yourself, and finding out that you really are beautiful and happy with everything in your life, and that’s why I asked the question ‘will I ever be a butterfly?‘. I think right now I’m just staring to realise how hard this journey is, especially when there are so many different paths and forks in the road that can dramatically determine the butterfly you’ll end up being. The first step is the most difficult, especially if like me you have no idea where your going or what to do, but with perseverance it will all pay off in the end and we’ll all be butterflies.

So I’m not going to be afraid to step around blindly for a while, and on that note I think I need a change of scenery, so I’m going to look for my gap year book and possibly do some travelling.

Don’t be afraid to take your first step either!

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Out with the Old, In with the new

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 21:28:31 +0200

19th June 2007

Out with the Old, In with the new

I always rant and rave that the past is the past and that we should be looking towards our futures on dwelling on past mistakes or the past in general (some times it better to forget than have to relive the pain everyday) but after some deep thought today, I’m starting to realise that the only one dwelling on the past is me.
It’s time to forget everything and to start again. I talk about changes, but I honestly can’t see them being made here. The first thing I need to change is myself….I suppose that in itself is a bit general….my way of thing needs to change….I need to start believing what I say, and believing more in myself.
To be honest right now I feel like a caged bird, waking up to the same-old, same-old and slowing its wearing me down, I’m tired and fed-up of the same faces and of the same life. I need to get away and figure things out, take a break from life in general. Last year I walked down a path in paradise, looked around and wished everyday could be as serene and tranquil as that one moment. And why can’t it be. Why must I return to the stressors that were waiting for me the second I got off the plane? Why must I continue to starve myself of true happiness, why am I doing it, why am I living here when I could be living in paradise? All of these questions have been building inside me, for a while now, and now they need serious answers. And the thing is the only thing that’s keeping me from doing what I want or being where I want to be is me! And at times I hate myself for it, things need to change ad they need to change now before I drive myself insane concentrating on everything that I can’t have all because of myself. The first thing I’m going to try and do is decide what I want for my future, and then I’m going to work out how I can get them.

Oh and another thing, (as if it wasn’t long enough already) I need to leave some people behind, his journey that I need to go on, I need to do it alone…..well I say alone….what I really mean is that….some friends have outlived their time, and their constant wearing on my patience has finally chipped until there is nothing and I mean NOTHING left behind. I have no time for your insults, your hurtful comments that you dish out to me to make yourself feel better, I have no time for your racist little mind, (sometimes I wonder why we are friends), I just have no time for you. For a while now I’ve noticed that things between us haven’t been the same, we used to be best friends, but now when you refer to me as that I smile thinking how it has been months since I have called you ‘best friend’ and unfortunately I don’t think I ever will again. I don’t want there to be nothing between us, we’ve been friends for too long for that to happen….but right now I need my space and I’d appreciate if you would give me that in return.

So farewell, to my past and to everything that is old, its time to start afresh.
It’s funny how right now I have nothing, yet I feel so whole, it’s almost surreal.
My inner peace is finally restored, and now the search for the ‘new' begins.

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You don’t know what you have until it is gone’

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 20:46:05 +0200

‘You don’t know what you have until it is gone’

I hate this saying because it is probably the most accurate thing that I have ever read. When you love someone or even like them there is a bond there, and sometimes you can be completely oblivious to it. However when that person leaves you and the link is truly broken, and you know that nothing can ever bring it back, you are left with a broken, distorted shadow of your former self. The worst part is that there is nothing you can do but move on. But you don’t want to move on, you don’t want anything to change because it was perfect the way it was, and now everything is different and that life of perfection that you once lived is now just a distant memory. When all else is gone, we are always left with our memories, and sometimes its not the bad memories that upset us the most, yes you may wish that you could go back and do everything different and change those hateful words you said to kind ones, but it’s the happy memories that hurt me the most, because they are the ones that I would give anything to live through just one more time. To see that person smile just one more time, to hear their laugh just one more time, to hold them just one more time. But that’s never going to happen again, and that’s the brutal piece of reality which I try so hard to accept, but can’t.
It hurts so much to remember those memories, so instead I try to forget, I put those memories in a part of my mind that is locked away, only to be looked at again when I am truly ready. I forget their cheesy smile that could light up a room, I forget the way they used to chuckle not laugh, and I forget their warmth and sweet smell when they used to hold me. I’m still left with an empty feeling, that hole from where they used to be but now, occasionally I forget its there and I feel almost whole, at least for a moment.
My angels, I want to thank you for coming into my life and inspiring me the way you have.
I’ll never forget the way you made me feel, and that part of you will live on forever in my heart.
Until we meet again

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