19th June 2007

Out with the Old, In with the new

I always rant and rave that the past is the past and that we should be looking towards our futures on dwelling on past mistakes or the past in general (some times it better to forget than have to relive the pain everyday) but after some deep thought today, I’m starting to realise that the only one dwelling on the past is me.
It’s time to forget everything and to start again. I talk about changes, but I honestly can’t see them being made here. The first thing I need to change is myself….I suppose that in itself is a bit general….my way of thing needs to change….I need to start believing what I say, and believing more in myself.
To be honest right now I feel like a caged bird, waking up to the same-old, same-old and slowing its wearing me down, I’m tired and fed-up of the same faces and of the same life. I need to get away and figure things out, take a break from life in general. Last year I walked down a path in paradise, looked around and wished everyday could be as serene and tranquil as that one moment. And why can’t it be. Why must I return to the stressors that were waiting for me the second I got off the plane? Why must I continue to starve myself of true happiness, why am I doing it, why am I living here when I could be living in paradise? All of these questions have been building inside me, for a while now, and now they need serious answers. And the thing is the only thing that’s keeping me from doing what I want or being where I want to be is me! And at times I hate myself for it, things need to change ad they need to change now before I drive myself insane concentrating on everything that I can’t have all because of myself. The first thing I’m going to try and do is decide what I want for my future, and then I’m going to work out how I can get them.

Oh and another thing, (as if it wasn’t long enough already) I need to leave some people behind, his journey that I need to go on, I need to do it alone…..well I say alone….what I really mean is that….some friends have outlived their time, and their constant wearing on my patience has finally chipped until there is nothing and I mean NOTHING left behind. I have no time for your insults, your hurtful comments that you dish out to me to make yourself feel better, I have no time for your racist little mind, (sometimes I wonder why we are friends), I just have no time for you. For a while now I’ve noticed that things between us haven’t been the same, we used to be best friends, but now when you refer to me as that I smile thinking how it has been months since I have called you ‘best friend’ and unfortunately I don’t think I ever will again. I don’t want there to be nothing between us, we’ve been friends for too long for that to happen….but right now I need my space and I’d appreciate if you would give me that in return.

So farewell, to my past and to everything that is old, its time to start afresh.
It’s funny how right now I have nothing, yet I feel so whole, it’s almost surreal.
My inner peace is finally restored, and now the search for the ‘new' begins.

‘You don’t know what you have until it is gone’

I hate this saying because it is probably the most accurate thing that I have ever read. When you love someone or even like them there is a bond there, and sometimes you can be completely oblivious to it. However when that person leaves you and the link is truly broken, and you know that nothing can ever bring it back, you are left with a broken, distorted shadow of your former self. The worst part is that there is nothing you can do but move on. But you don’t want to move on, you don’t want anything to change because it was perfect the way it was, and now everything is different and that life of perfection that you once lived is now just a distant memory. When all else is gone, we are always left with our memories, and sometimes its not the bad memories that upset us the most, yes you may wish that you could go back and do everything different and change those hateful words you said to kind ones, but it’s the happy memories that hurt me the most, because they are the ones that I would give anything to live through just one more time. To see that person smile just one more time, to hear their laugh just one more time, to hold them just one more time. But that’s never going to happen again, and that’s the brutal piece of reality which I try so hard to accept, but can’t.
It hurts so much to remember those memories, so instead I try to forget, I put those memories in a part of my mind that is locked away, only to be looked at again when I am truly ready. I forget their cheesy smile that could light up a room, I forget the way they used to chuckle not laugh, and I forget their warmth and sweet smell when they used to hold me. I’m still left with an empty feeling, that hole from where they used to be but now, occasionally I forget its there and I feel almost whole, at least for a moment.
My angels, I want to thank you for coming into my life and inspiring me the way you have.
I’ll never forget the way you made me feel, and that part of you will live on forever in my heart.
Until we meet again